Enough

I've spent the majority of my life telling myself that I'm not enough. Not talented enough, not pretty enough, not popular enough, any negative way to describe myself to let myself know that I'm less than has ran through my mind before anyone else could ever tell me. The irony in all of this is that I chose to work in a profession that requires me to be extremely confident and extroverted all the time, something that my therapist has spent months working on with me to try to wrap her head around.

I can't tell you exactly where this thought originated, but it's reared its ugly head in many uninvited circumstances. Whether it be through a boss telling me the work that I'm doing is not enough, or a teacher saying my grades aren't good enough, or others saying I'm too skinny or dressed too over the top but could never find that middle ground to be ENOUGH for others.

In all honesty, that was the way I would measure my worth for too long, basing my value strictly on what others thought of me. I wish I could go back in time and shake my high school self and tell her to wake up and stop trying so hard because that was when these thoughts really started. Hell, I wish I could shake myself now and say the same thing because I still fall into the trap but thankfully not as easily.

One thing I think that I do really well is put on a tough face when I am feeling low. In the words of one of my favorite singers Kelsea Ballerini... "I wear my pain like stilettos. As bad as it may hurt you'll never know. I keep walking with my head up putting on a show and fronting like nothing is wrong." I feel like that couldn't be more true in a lot of instances in my life. For example, I absolutely love in-arena hosting but it is something that was so out of my element when I first started, and still is something I'm working to get better at. It's the most vulnerable thing to try to be cute and funny and entertaining to a crowd of 18,000 people night after night. It comes with a rush that I can't describe, but also has had me getting really down on myself. Any time I feel I try to be energetic and fall flat, I kick myself and tell myself that could've been so much better. Any time I stumble over my words, stutter, forget an important part of my hit, or start to talk in circles I will beat myself up about it for hours. I'll then ask those I'm working with if I sounded as bad as I felt like I did to which they say "that was good I literally didn't even notice" and then immediately tell myself yeah right they're just being nice. I wish I could get the stupid voice in my head to shut up so I could believe them. I realize this is such a small thing to get worked up about in the grand scheme of things, but what if I could do a game and just be proud of myself and know that what I went out and did was ENOUGH. This isn't even a problem unique to just that, but another example was live reporting on a broadcast in college, a job I had dreamed about getting. I was constantly compared to the incredibly talented women who held the role before me and wished to myself that I could just be Kirsten and that would be enough for everyone.

It's almost 10:00pm as I'm writing all of this, and I'm at the point where I probably started word vomiting awhile ago, but I feel this is important to share. There are a lot of people who think I have it all perfectly figured out, and I can see how it appears that way from the outside. But the reality is not feeling enough is something I have struggled with forever and I feel like so many people besides myself struggle with the same feeling. I may not be exactly as confident as I hope to be, that is something I think I will always be working toward, but I'm getting there. I dream of living in a world where I wake up and I confidently feel like the work I am putting out and the energy I'm giving will ALWAYS be enough, because I AM enough.