Uninvited

I choose to share my experiences no matter how personal for two reasons:

1. It makes me feel like I'm not alone

2. I hope it makes you not feel alone

I've suffered from anxiety since before I realized I had anxiety. Excessive worrying about the unknown, the future, things out of my control, what people think about me. There are times I can push it aside, and there are other times it takes full control. When life is going right and you feel like you're on the top of the world it's easy to forget that anxiety is something you live with, but when life pulls you down and you're faced with what seems to be challenge after challenge it becomes all consuming and you feel like there's no way out. I write this to you about my experience (take it as just that, my experience and not advice from a professional) as this past month has been the most challenging in awhile and in the thick of it, feels like there's no way out.

Social media is a funny thing as you all know. It can make it look like everything is perfect and that a person may not have any problems in their life. If you looked at my social media this past week especially, you probably thought the same thing although that is furthest from the truth. In the span of about a week there were a few very challenging life events that came tumbling down on me that I felt like I was handling all on my own, which has made my anxiety really bad. That's another funny thing about life, when something bad happens it's usually not an isolated event, there are usually a few bad events that happen all at once which was my case. As I've been trying to navigate my current circumstances, there are intrusive thoughts I keep battling with that I haven't heard in awhile that always creep back in uninvited.

You're not good enough

Everyone is mad at you/hates you

You are never going to get where you want to be in life

You've failed

These statements seem extreme, and if someone told me they were feeling that way about themselves I would immediately jump in and say "that is so far from the truth!" but when you're going through it yourself, those statements and intrusive thoughts are hard to shake. They make you want to shut the world out and hide in your bed where you can't bother anyone. They make you want to give up on dreams that you're feeling maybe you're not cut out for. At least for me, that's how it's been. I've always been a people pleaser and tried way too hard to get other people's approval, and have gotten really down on myself when I can't get someone else to like me, and immediately take it as something must be wrong with me. I've always struggled with the unknown, and right now I'm making my way through the storm of not knowing what's going to happen next.

However, for every time I've felt this way there has always been an end. Things have always gotten better. I write this not for sympathy or for advice, but because sharing my experiences is therapeutic for me and in hopes that it also makes you feel like you're not the only one who has these feelings, because you're not.